(Preamble) Oral Hygiene
by upquark
Summary: Saucy silliness as part of a larger collection of one-shots in the pre-show years. Acclimation to Earth and LA by Lucifer and Maze.


**Preamble: Oral Hygiene**

 **A/N:** _One-shot of a newly-arrived Maze and Lucifer in LA pre-show years in a collection called 'Preamble' on AO3. Rating for saucy conversation at points._

[ - ]

They stood together under the rather antiseptic glare of lights, the Devil and his demon. Posture, decorum and looks of intense evaluation were coupled with terse, stippled words such as 'yes', 'doubtful', ' **really now** ', 'rather not'. Heads inclined toward one another conspiratorially, arms crossed, looking for all the world as if they were deciding the most appropriate hellish punishments rather than navigating their current snarl.

How DOES one choose when there are so many options?

When there are so many shiny words screaming off blinding gloss?

"I didn't think this would be so bloody difficult."

Maze whistled under her breath in agreement. "They all have similar information, and pictures." She selected an option, brow furrowed. "This one has stripes."

"For what **possible** purpose?"

" **I** don't know. It has sparkles, too." She lifted her upper lip slightly in disgust, replacing the package with a sharp tap. To his inquiring eyebrows she threw an offhand, "Too…froofy. Doesn't look serious enough."

"Ah." Lucifer selected another. "How about this, then? No smiling humans on it, at least. And I like the language. Really makes the point, wouldn't you say?" With a devilish smirk he handed her the box.

"Oral-B. Pro." She cut her eyes at him as she read it aloud.

The smirk became a leer.

"You would. _Fine_." She held gentle restraint on his arm as he moved to turn away, relief at having choices made evident. "Wait…we're not finished yet."

Deep brown eyes rolled up at the ceiling. "Mazikeen. Whatever do you mean? I thought we just..."

She held up two boxes. "Mint or cinnamon?"

He sighed, deep and painfully, the sound rolling up from the soles of his feet. This was wearing. "You choose."

The demon grinned. "Cinnamon. I like hot."

"Of course you do…well, off we go then. Chop-chop."

"No…wait…"

He groaned as she dragged him a few steps further by pinching the fine material at his elbow, appraising eyes sharpening as they went. Stopping again, booted foot ticking on the tiles.

"Mouthwash?"

"Blue. Like the ocean. Hopefully not as salty, to be honest." Small shudder which turned into a chuckle at her lascivious beam. "Of course **you** do, Mazie." Laughing harder as she licked her teeth through the grin as she continued moving on down the aisle.

"Multipack or singles?"

"Oooohh, neither! THIS one!" Fiddling with the trial button and giving a gleeful yelp as the electric toothbrush buzzed in his hand. "Perhaps several. You know, just in case." He dumped a few into the plastic basket she carried.

"In case of what, exactly?"

"Company. Open-minded company." Wistful sigh accompanied by slightly pursed lips and tweaked brows.

She rolled her eyes at him, but truthfully, she was having fun with inconsequentiality, too. It was still quite bizarre to feel…relaxed. Novel. And she did enjoy new things.

They disagreed vehemently on the floss options. "You can use the rolls for *other stuff*!" / "But Maze! These are dinosaurs! Like toys! In different _colors_ , yet!" Finally deciding on both they headed toward the register. The clerk never batted an eyelash over the several hundred dollars' worth of mouth care. This was SoCal: he'd seen weirder.

Back at the loft the hellions spread out their loot on the large onyx countertop in Lucifer's bathroom and as they did with all new experiences, got down to some serious experimentation. Cue following exchanges, voices heated at times ringing off the tiles in the large space.

"What does 'pea-sized amount' mean? And snow or garden variety…it doesn't specify. Dolts. Poor quality-control, clearly."

Answering his quizzical look with frustration as she struggled with brush and tube, "I can't make it go in that twisty squiggle like on the package…and **yes** , I know it's bigger than a pea, Lucifer!"

"It is rather. More 'pigeon dropping' if you ask me."

"Well, I **didn't** so…."

Mouths full of foam and pistoning enthusiasm, Maze asked frothily, "Spit or swallow?" To which the Prince of Darkness responded by giggling like a drunken high-schooler. A female one.

The demon got retribution when one of Lucifer's plastic dinosaur floss aids got stuck on a back molar.

"Ith not amuthing, Mathikeen!"

"Oh, but it **SO** is! You look like you're being attacked by one of the feeder-fish we saw on that National Geographic program!"

"Thop! Thop your **blasthed** laughing and HELF me! I command…oh bugger all. Uthlesth, you are." Tugging hard, the Devil finally freed himself, though it was likely his dignity would remain trapped in her memory for quite a long time. "Far too treacherous for my taste, those bits. I shall be well-rid of your noxious perfidy." With a baleful stare at the colorful bag he gave it a punitive sweep into the wastebasket next to the sink.

"Censor yourself, demon." His stern words had little effect on the gales she was doubled-over in. The follow-up of, "Well, come now, whath…er, **what's** next, then?" did little to improve it, though at least she began to wipe the mirthful tears from her eyes as she slid over the bottle of mouthwash, still weak with laughter.

Lucifer just eyed the little cap cup on the top of the bottle. "Well this is simply awful; I shall NOT debase myself to drink out of plastic." Maze cut him an arched eyebrow taunt as she plucked the bottle from his hand and took a large swig.

"Unrefined, my dear. Quite so." He busied himself rinsing his earlier scotch tumbler and poured himself a fingerful of ocean. Forehead knitting in calculation as he held it up to the light, deciding to add a bit more. They stared at each other in the mirror, swishing vigorously, then jockeying for position at the sink by tossing elbows and hips. Lucifer being taller secured the advantage and spit first.

"No sloppy seconds for me, thanks much," he crowed.

"Haven't heard you complain about **that** yet," groused his demon.

He tilted his head and mockingly cupped an ear toward her, "Sorry, didn't catch…what was that now?" Earning no reply but a sullen stare to his broad and newly dazzling smile. "Well then, I believe that's that…." he washed his hands and dried them as he assessed the intensifying glower on her face. "What?"

She barked at him, long painted talon ticking on the freckled reflection. "And whose job is it to clean the little frosty flecks that wound up on the mirror?"

"You're the demon; you're supposed to keep me from harm and menial boredom, correct?"

She spluttered and fussed at his retreating back as he sauntered away. "Well, YOU'RE taller! This mess is not from **my** mouth, so...!"

The verbal joust from the other room made her eyes roll. "Can think of something else to do with 'that mouth', Mazie. Why don't you come on in when you're finished, yes?"

Lucifer smiled. Oral care was indeed so very important…and thoroughness was divine.


End file.
